Confession #115: I am Terrified
Today I am confessing something that has nothing to do with being a missionary in Haiti but about being a woman. So all you men out there who read my blog, I apologize in advance.
3 weeks and 1 day. According to my What to Expect app that is my official countdown until Benjamin “Jake” Kittrell makes his grand entrance.
And ya’ll…I must confess…I’m terrified.
Since the announcement of our pregnancy I have been asked tons of different questions:
Will you have the baby in Haiti or in America?
Will your baby be an American citizen?
Are your parents nervous for you? I bet they are.
If your baby is born in Haiti will it be black? (This was my all time favorite.)
Will you have access to an epidural?
What if you need a C-section?
Do you trust the doctors in Haiti?
What if there is an emergency with the baby?
Will you have air conditioning?
Choosing to have our son in Haiti isn’t exactly what most people expected us to do. Heck, a few years ago, it wasn’t what I expected us to do either. And doing it all natural, without even the option of an epidural, has made us sound even crazier.
I’ve gotten a lot of you’re so brave comments and I hope Hunter is prepared. I smile and go along with it. I mean, what exactly am I supposed to say?
(I am) more than a conqueror through Him who loved (me). (Romans 8:37)
I’ll confess- I’m terrified of labor. TERRIFIED.
But it has nothing to do with delivering in Haiti or even the pain for that matter. Choosing to do this the all-natural way is something I believe I would do even if I had access to the typical American luxuries. I’m not a “granola” type person by any means. After all, I could live off of Double Stuffed Oreos and Peanut M&Ms. But there is something appealing about trusting my body and God’s design without the assist of medical interventions.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,
I know that full well. (Psalm 139:14)
What terrifies me (And please forgive me if this is TMI) is all the other stuff like…
- Not being in control of my body
- Bodily functions in general
- Afterbirth (come on, that’s just gross)
- Blood (I can’t even pull my kids’ teeth because the blood freaks me out so much.)
- And having to be vulnerable enough to share all these fun/gross things with those assisting me…including my husband
I realize all women who deliver babies deal with these things. I realize this is normal, natural, and how God designed it to be. And I realize in the moment I probably won’t care as much as I fear I will. But today, this is how I am feeling.
Be still and know that I am God. (Psalm 46:10)
I have been trying to learn to relax and meditate lately- two things I have never been able to do really well. Breathing techniques, massage, soothing music, and scripture affirmations have become my tools. And bless Hunter who has become my ultimate support. I’m thinking he should be a doula in his next life.
For real though, I have no idea if any of these methods are going to work come game day, but for now they are at least helping me to mentally prepare. With God as my strength, I am daily trying to trust that He is going to carry me past my fears and help me deliver a healthy baby boy.
May God strengthen you with power though his Spirit in your inner being. (Ephesians 4:16)
There you have it- my pregnancy confession- I am terrified of labor. So much about it just goes against my normal character: always wanting to be in control, modest with my body, a fan of cleanliness, and not always the most vulnerable with others. But in 3 weeks in 1 day (maybe) I will be forced to put those characteristics aside. And that, my friends, terrifies me.
So maybe you can pray for me. Or, perhaps send me some reassuring and encouraging thoughts. All you mamas out there who can relate, please tell me I’m not crazy. Please tell me that my fears are normal and that it is going to be alright. And tell me…please…that all this gross stuff that is about to happen to me isn’t as terrifying as I am making it out to be. Please.
3 weeks and 1 day…deep breaths…deep breaths…