Confession #95: OH BABY! It’s a baby!

10300427_793014337229_4366159137770533895_nIf you saw my POST on Facebook yesterday you know by now that I am pregnant…

As in “with child”.

As in I have something foreign growing inside of me that is okay, unlike the multiple parasites that have temporarily called my body home since moving to Haiti.

As in soon my family will be three kids crazy instead of just two.

AHHHHH!

In order to share the significance of this pregnancy, I feel as though I must backtrack a little…

If you were to ask me, let’s say, 8 months ago if I was ever going to have a biological child my answer to you would probably have been a blunt, “Probably not”. Late last summer even, I sat across the aisle from a dear friend on an airplane and quickly shot down her idea that I even should try to have a baby.

And it had nothing to do with living in Haiti. Pregnancy/birth/being responsible for a teeny tiny baby has just always terrified me. Always. At various stages in my life, the thought even woke me up in the middle of the night.

But then last fall, something happened. It wasn’t that my fears subsided. It wasn’t that I all of a sudden came down with baby fever or anything. No. It was Peace.

Peace has always made a presence in my life when God has tried to lead me towards a life-altering decision. Peace that is unexplainable. Peace that is so not of my own nature. Peace that is all consuming. And Peace that I long for…

Peace was present when Hunter and I sat in our Nashville living room, starring at our financial obligations, our jobs we loved, and a future full of dreams but decided to move to Haiti instead.

Peace was present when we opened up our hearts to baby Dalencia even though we had no idea how we were going to adopt her.

Peace was present when we accepted Nalandson into the orphanage and six months later when he moved into our home.

Peace was present when we decided to move with our teenagers to start Emmaus House even though we had no idea if it was going to work or if people would support us.

And Peace was with me as I sat on our porch one November night and told Hunter I believed God was calling me to trust Him…through pregnancy, through birth, and through raising a teeny tiny baby. Still terrified, semi-praying that I could possibly be misinterpreting Peace this time around, and full of questions, doubts, and what-ifs, I told God I was choosing to trust Him.

And now here I am…

13 weeks prego.

Shocked.

Scared.

Grateful.

Excited.

Nervous.

Anxious.

Uncertain.

These are just a few of the emotions I am going through everyday.

How are people here in Haiti reacting to the news?

Oh goodness. Let’s just say me being pregnant is something many of our Haitian friends have been waiting on for a while. Back at the orphanage, I think I had more prayers and attempted blessings over my belly than anything from our female staff. Our teenagers, especially our girls, can hardly wait. They’ve been waiting for this. Just this past February they told me they no longer wanted to talk to me until I had a baby in my belly for them. Guess their plan worked…

Hunter and I have had just about every question imaginable (or unimaginable) posed to us by our teens. (Educated teens, mind you.)

If your baby is born in Haiti, will it be black or white?

Will you send your baby back to the states to be raised by your parents?

Was it an immaculate conception? Because we just can’t imagine…

What language will your baby speak?

Have you been spitting a lot? Because if not, you are probably not really pregnant.

Is your baby the reason why your face looks like that? (Pregnancy = hormones = awesome acne!)

Can you try to make your baby a girl so we can practice doing her hair?

Oh brother. Our teens are so funny and their questions have been…um…entertaining to say the least.

We have no idea how this is all going to work out- the check ups, the delivery, the anything.

After we pay rent in July, our savings will just about be depleted.

We currently have to decide if we are going to get rid of our closet or our bathroom in order to make space for a baby in our room.

And you could never imagine how irritating it is when you can’t fulfill ANY of your pregnancy cravings EVER!

But God’s timing is perfect, right? In that we place our trust.

We’ve kept this a secret from most for a while now. I wanted to have all our plans put into place before broadcasting our soon-to-be-addition to the world. Turns out, however, that all the plans I had in place, including my backups, are currently falling through the cracks. And as I sat with a friend the other night and shared my fear of the unknown, I realized that keeping my fears and uncertainties to myself is not what God calls people in His kingdom to do. If I’m the only one who knows my struggles, how will my brothers and sisters know to pray and support me?

So here I am.

Pregnant.

And I have the slightest idea how this is all going to work out.

I have had a few, okay, many mini breakdowns about this lately. Hunter, thankfully, has been my rock, reassuring me everyday that God has never not had a plan for us and that Peace brought us here and so Peace will see us through.

We are excited. Truly. We saw the baby for the first time yesterday. It was a rather surreal moment. I just never function well in the “unknown”- something God has been trying to teach me here in Haiti and something I have been very stubborn to learn. And right now, I am in and looking straight into unknown territory.

I want to ask you all to pray for me. I have some specific requests, if you don’t mind.

1)   Pray that God will reveal His plans for us- whether that is to have the baby here in Haiti or in the states.

2)   If it is His desire for me to have the baby in Haiti, pray that He brings forth the right people to come alongside me and help me through the process and with the delivery.

3)   If it is His desire for me to have the baby in America, pray that I remain healthy and would be able to fly at the latest possible date so that I do not have to break up our family for a long time. The thought of leaving Nalandson and Dalencia for months absolutely crushes my soul. My heart just can’t even go there.

4)   Pray that God will provide the finances our family needs. We plan to register on Amazon for baby as time moves along, and we would greatly appreciate any assistance we can get to receive the things we will soon need.

5)   Pray for Emmaus House. No matter where or how we have this baby, my work and time will be affected.

Thank you to everyone who has already been such an encouragement to us. We are so grateful to have so many loving, supporting people in our lives. Please keep our family in your prayers as we prepare for Baby Kittrell. We’ll keep you updated!

~ Jillian

9 Comments on “Confession #95: OH BABY! It’s a baby!

  1. God bless you! You have my prayers and support through this. Even though we have never met I feel your fears and excitement. I will help you both in any way I can.
    Arriane’s supporter
    Kelly

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  2. This post. Thank you for being so incredibly transparent and real and asking for help! Such a beautiful light you’re shining! And from an adoption-before-conception momma myself, I understand so much of what you’re saying here. Granted my pregnancy was here in the states, it was one of the most amazing things I’ve ever experienced and honestly, if you are low risk, there’s not really a lot of intervention you need medically. Your body knows just what to do. Praying for you and for more of that amazing peace! Keep us updated on your amazon registry!

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    • Lindsey- Thank you so much for the encouragement. I know I can fully relate to you on so much and I have often looked to your blog and posts on FB to see how I should follow in your footsteps. Your family’s story has given me more comfort, assurance, and hope than you know. Thanks for your prayers. Would love to talk more sometime!

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  3. You are already an amazing mother to two beautiful children and now you will be an amazing mother to three beautiful children. One will just be smaller. 🙂 Love you and praying for you!!!

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  4. So happy for you! I can only imagine what your are feeling and only know a small fragment of what you’re feeling. I can relate about not being able to imagine taking care of a baby. It took my husband and almost 10 years to decide that it was right for us. The people here in Micronesia were and still are ecstatic over this little person that has come into our lives. So funny about the question about spitting, because I did feel spitting a lot. Weird. Ha! God Bless!

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  5. Pingback: Confession #101: Will You Pray With Us? – Jillian's Missionary Confessions

  6. Pingback: Confession #106: Oh Baby! Part 2 – Jillian's Missionary Confessions

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